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  1. #1
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    Emails from an $#@!

    Click here to enlarge Originally Posted by randomquickness Click here to enlarge
    This quote is hidden because you are ignoring this member. Show Quote
    www.dontevenreply.com

    some very good lulz on there!
    EPIC ONE ( had me rofl):

    Angry TV Buyer
    Posted at: 2010-09-12 10:44:50

    Original ad:
    i want a flatscreen tv. at least 40 inches and under $500. hit me up if you got what i want

    From Me to ***********@**********.org:

    Hey,

    I am selling my 42" Westinghouse plasma TV for $400. It is in excellent condition. I'm just selling it because I got a bigger one and don't need this one anymore. Let me know if you are interested.

    Mike

    From jim ****** to Me:

    yeah man thats perfect. ill buy that as soon as possible. would you be able to bring it to my house? i dont have a car. im home pretty much all day every day

    you can call me if you want 610-***-****

    From me to jim ******:

    No problem, Jim. I could bring it by tomorrow after work. Are you sure you want to buy it though? I don't want to bring it there and have you decide you don't want to buy it.

    Mike

    From jim ****** to Me:

    no i definitely want it. just bring it over man

    my address is 415 ********* rd, ******, PA
    just call me if you have any trouble

    From me to jim ******:

    Okay, I'll be over tomorrow.

    From me to jim ******:

    Jim,

    I'm very sorry I was unable to make it to your house today. I had the TV loaded in the back of my pickup truck, and I was all set to go to your house. I just decided to make a quick stop in Chester to buy some stuff from a friend, and when I got back to my truck, the TV was gone. I can't figure out what the hell happened to it. I'm thinking maybe I hit a bump and it slid out of the truck, because I do forget to close my tailgate sometimes. I don't really remember if it was in the truck when I parked it, so I am baffled.

    Anyway, this is totally my fault. Seeing as how I promised you a TV and lost it, I am going to help you out. I signed you up for a 2 year subscription to Plasma TV Enthusiasts Weekly. It is an excellent magazine that will give you a lot of information on plasma TVs to help you make the right decision when buying one. It is normally $84.99 a year, but I hooked you up with my referrer discount so it will only cost you $63.50 a year. I had it sent and billed to the address you gave me, and you should get your first one in a week or two.

    Once again, I am very sorry that I lost the TV that I was going to sell you, but hopefully this magazine can help you out.

    Mike

    From jim ****** to Me:

    are you out of your $#@!in mind i dont want any $#@!in magazines!!! what the $#@!.. you better $#@!in cancel that $#@!. what the $#@! were you thinking dude, im not paying for that you $#@!in dumbass

    From jim ****** to Me:

    and its obvious YOUR TV WAS STOLEN YOU $#@!IN RETARD. why the $#@! would you leave a tv in the back of your truck in chester?

    cancel the $#@!in magazines..NOW.

    From me to jim ******:

    Jim,

    Why do you want me to cancel the magazines? It is a great magazine and I got you a great deal for it. You won't find it cheaper anywhere else. Also, to put it frankly, if you were going to buy a Westinghouse plasma TV from me without even looking at it, then it is clear you still have a lot to learn about plasma TVs. Reading this magazine will make you an expert in no time.

    Mike

    From jim ****** to Me:

    you $#@!in $#@! i dont want to pay for some stupid magazine! i just want a goddamn tv. who the $#@! would want to read a $#@!in weekly magazine about tvs?! cancel it right now. im serious

    From me to jim ******:

    Jim,

    I'm sorry you feel that way about the magazine. I was just trying to help. Unfortunately I cannot cancel the magazine. When I signed you up on the phone, they gave me a confirmation number I could use to cancel the subscription. I couldn't find a piece of paper to write it on, so I wrote the number on a napkin. I think I accidentally used the napkin to wipe my face after eating wings last night, and then threw it out. I'd look through the trash to find it for you, but the garbage truck already picked it up this morning. I think they take it to the dump/recycling center in Media if you want to go look for it. It was a napkin from Taco Bell, if that helps. I usually get all my napkins there.

    If you think it would be easier, you could just cancel it once you get your first magazine in the mail. You'll probably be billed for the first month, plus a $75 cancellation fee because I didn't sign you up for cancellation insurance. I just assumed you would want to keep the magazine.

    Mike

    From jim ****** to Me:

    i cant believe i just read all that $#@! because i should have known from the first few lines that you were a $#@!in idiot

    i dont care if you have to blow the $#@!in editor, you better find a way to get it cancelled because i am not spending a goddamn nickel on that magazine!

    From me to jim ******:

    Jim,

    If you don't pay for it, that may screw up your credit. I remember one time I forgot to pay my TV guide subscription for about 14 months, and that really messed up my credit. I had trouble buying a house because of that. You should be careful.

    Since you seem to not know a lot about the importance of your credit, I signed you up for a year subscription of In Debt Weekly, a great magazine that can teach you a lot about credit. Don't worry, I got you the same discount as before, and this magazine is actually a little bit cheaper. It is only $34.99 a year. It came with a discounted subscription to Card Times, another magazine about credit cards. That one is only $25 per year, so I signed you up for that as well. It is a decent magazine for the price.

    Mike

    From jim ****** to Me:

    GL4KJHSGSKFKJS YOU $#@!ING $#@! STOP SIGNING ME UP FOR $#@!ING MAGAZINES!!!!

    CANCEL THOSE RIGHT NOW $#@!!!!!

    From me to jim ******:

    Jim,

    There is no need for that kind of language. Please do not talk to me anymore.

    Unless you would be interested in a subscription to Anger Management Journal. I can sign you up for that if you want to learn how to control your temper.

    Mike

    From jim ****** to Me:

    $#@! YOU

  2. #2
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    My New Jogging Partner
    Posted at: 2011-01-03 21:06:38 | 298 comments | Add Comment

    Original ad:
    i want to get back into shape and am looking for a jogging partner. i always run better if i can keep the pace with someone else as i am sure other fellow runners know. i only work afternoons so i can run during the morning or night, doesnt matter much to me. shoot me an email if you want to be running partners


    From Me to *************@*******.org:

    Dear New Running Partner,

    Hello! My name is Mustafi Chukwuemeka Adetokunbo, but my friends call me Wuemeka. I have just moved to Philadelphia from Kenya and I too am looking for a running partner. I run for twelve miles every morning, and another eight at night. I now run a 4 minute mile. I know this is slow, but no worry, I am aiming to run a 3:50 mile by next month. I most look forward to running with you, my new friend! Please respond with your contact information and where you would like to run. I am not so acquainted with Philadelphia, but I would prefer to run in densely forested areas if you know of any.

    Run with you soon,

    Wuemeka

    From Steve ***** to Me:

    wow man are you for real? theres no frickin way i can run a 4 minute mile!!!!!!!

    From Me to Steve *****::

    Dear Steve,

    I am sorry to hear you cannot run a 4 minute mile. I can slow down my pace if you would like. How does a 4 minute 30 second mile sound?

    Warm regards,

    Wuemeka

    From Steve ***** to Me:

    HAH! dude i can run a 9 minute mile on a good day. thats it. im not training for the freaking olympics here...

    From Me to Steve *****::

    Nine minutes? Why are you so slow, friend? Nine minutes! Man oh man, is that slow! In my country, you would not survive! You would be eaten by a lion or speared by a rhino! I am very sorry for you my friend. You remind me of my last running partner Jumu, he was eaten by a cheetah!

    Good day to you,

    Wuemeka

    From Steve ***** to Me:

    yeah well this isnt africa this is PHILLY. we have crackheads here, not rhinos or cheetahs or elephants and we sure as $#@! dont have rainforests. come on man are you stupid?

    From Me to Steve *****::

    I am not stupid, you are the stupid one my friend! We will see who is the stupid one when you are being chased by a lion! We have a word for fools like you in Kenya - KUMAMAKO!

    From Steve ***** to Me:

    leave me the $#@! alone jumanji!

  3. #3
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    Haha! I literally could not stop laughing at the first one. Thanks for making my night and this thread DarkPhantom!

  4. #4
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    Loved reading through some of those earlier today .. took the edge off a really bad day at work!

    Now I want to do some of my own .. ha ha.
    ~

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    HAhaha, leave me alone jumanji hahahah.

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    Spacious Studio Apartment
    Posted at: 2011-02-10 14:39:39 | 234 comments | Add Comment

    Original ad:
    Hello. I am a responsible young professional looking to sublet a studio or 1 br apt in or around East village. I am looking to move in on Mar 15. 2000/mo is my budget. Thans

    From Me to **********@********.org:

    Hey,

    I am leaving for London on business and need to sublet my studio apartment immediately. It is a beautiful spacious apartment in the East Village (near Tompkins Square Park). Rent is $1750/month and you can move in as soon as February 25th. Please let me know if you are interested.

    Regards,

    Mike

    From Ari ****** to Me:

    Hi Mike thanks for responding. A few questions: how big is the apt? how long can is the lease til? do you have any pics or a floor plan? I want to move in on mar 15- is that ok?

    From Me to Ari ******:

    March 15th is fine with me. The apartment is 370 square feet. I don't have any pictures, but I have included a floor plan to give you an idea of the layout of the apartment. The lease is up in November 2011, but you have the option to renew if you wish. Please let me know if you have any more questions about the apartment.

    Mike

    Attachments:

    Click here to enlarge

    From Ari ****** to Me:

    Mike did you send me the wrong plan or is there really a pool in your apartment.

    From Me to Ari ******:

    Oh, yes. I should have mentioned the pool. I had an exercise pool installed in the apartment because I was training for a swimming marathon. It is a really nice pool. It is 39 inches deep with powerful jets and a vinyl liner. The pool is great if you like to swim.

    Mike

    From Ari ****** to Me:

    Thats a pretty important thing to forget to mention, doncha think?! It takes up the whole f-ing apartment! How is there no bathroom?? Where am I supposed to shower and sleep?

    From Me to Ari ******:

    I know, it is a really nice pool. I usually use the kitchen as the bathroom. You can either pee in the sink, or out the window. The window overlooks an alley behind 5th St, and most of the time nobody walks below you. Even if you do piss on someone, you are on the 7th floor so they will probably have no idea where it came from. By the time it hits them, you will most likely be zipped up and have the window shut. The sink has a garbage disposal in case you need to take a dump.

    Showering? You don't need to shower - you have a pool! Just go for a swim any time you are trying to wash off.

    Sleep? I've got that covered too. I have an extremely comfortable pool raft I sleep on. It is like sleeping on a waterbed! It has a couple of cup holders you can put your phone/keys/beer/whatever in. I'll include this with the apartment for an extra $10.

    I am free tomorrow if you want to check the place out and fill out the sublet papers.

    Mike

    From Ari ****** to Me:

    Hmm well yes that does sound nice, but I am looking for a place where I dont have to $#@! in my sink and sleep in a goddamn pool. Come on man! Good luck finding someone to rent you'll need it!

    From Me to Ari ******:

    You don't have to $#@! in the sink, it is just an option. You can also $#@! out the window, or $#@! in a bucket next to the window and dump it out the window. There is an Indian restaurant that backs up to the alley, so it already smells like $#@! down there.

    At least come over and try my raft before you decide that sleeping in a pool is a bad thing. I'll even throw in a couple of pool noodles for free.

    Mike

    From Ari ****** to Me:

    Stop trying to sell me your POS apartment, if you can even call it that. You know what makes an apartment an apartment? A bed. Bathroom. Furnature. NOT A $#@!ING POOL.

    Why am I arguing with you? This is $#@!ing ridiculous. Conversation over.

    From Me to Ari ******:

    Why are you so afraid of sleeping in this pool? Be honest, do you not know how to swim? If so, I can give you the number of a good lifeguard I know.

    From Ari ****** to Me:

    Shut the hell up. I hope you drown in your pool!

  7. #7
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    ^ HAhaah that one is pretty good too.

  8. #8
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    OMG LOL I remember this one!

    Disguised Weapons
    Posted at: 2010-02-09 06:06:07

    Original ad:
    **** Disguisable weapons wanted ****
    Wanted: hidden blades, belt buckle knives, cane swords, etc.....
    Offering: cash, items for barter

    From Me to **********@***********.org:

    Hey,

    I saw your ad looking for concealable/disguised weapons. I have several fine-crafted items you may be interested in. Respond if you are interested and I will send you pictures and prices.

    Thanks,

    Mike

    From Jeff ****** to Me:

    I am. lets see what you got.

    From Me to Jeff ******:

    Jeff,

    Here you go:

    Click here to enlarge

    Looks like a normal spoon, right?

    Click here to enlarge

    Wrong. It is actually a deadly 2.5" half-smooth, half-serrated knife with tactical grip. One minute you are enjoying a bowl of cereal, and the next you are fighting off attackers with this deadly and disguised weapon.

    I am asking $50 for the blade. Let me know if you want to stop by and take a look at it.

    Mike

    From Jeff ****** to Me:

    that is stupid as hell and looks like crap. unless you have anything better to offer, dont waste my time.

    From Me to Jeff ******:

    Jeff,

    I am sorry you feel that way about the spoon blade. I do have some other weapons that I think you will feel differently about.

    Mike

    From Jeff ****** to Me:

    fine. but if it is another knife duct taped to a spoon then you can $#@! off.

    From Me to Jeff ******:

    Jeff,

    Thank you for re-considering. Here are three quality disguised weapons that I think you will love:

    Click here to enlarge

    At first glance, this looks like a normal party cup. However, if you look close enough, you will see that it is really a fully automatic Glock 18C. You will be able to pour your enemies a nice warm cup of lead with this fine purchase. Asking $900 for the gun/cup combo.

    Click here to enlarge

    Still thirsty for justice? Try this badass M16A2 disguised as a 24-pack of soda. The box has two finely crafted holes on each side to allow for any kind of optics (not included) that you wish to attach. This weapon is only for sale if you have a Class III permit.

    Click here to enlarge

    This cleverly disguised weapon may look like a tissue box, but is actually a Benelli M3 12 gauge shotgun disguised as a tissue box. The ultra-soft quilted tissues serve as a comfortable grip on the pump-action shotgun. Also, if you find yourself sneezing during the heat of combat, you will have a handy tissue box ready for action. Asking $1500 for the weapon. Additional tissue boxes are an extra $5 per box.

    Let me know if you want any of these items.

    Thanks,

    Mike

    From Jeff ****** to Me:

    youre a $#@!ing dumbass, $#@!brained, asswipe, retarded dip$#@!. you prob walk around with that $#@! too you dumb mother $#@!er. I hope you get hit by a car. $#@! off, eat $#@!, and die.

  9. #9
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    Church jokes are always funny:

    Original ad:
    New church in need of an LCD projector for our Sunday services. We do not have tax exempt status but the donation should be out of the goodness of your heart.


    From me to *********@*********.org:

    Hey there! Are you still looking for a projector?

    Mike

    From Maria ******** to Me:

    Yes.

    From Me to Maria ********:

    Well Maria, get ready to completely change the way your churchgoers go to church! What I am offering is a Multimedia Home Theater Projector system by JVC. It projects a beautiful 1920 x 1080 high-definition picture that will show the big game as if it was projected by the eyes of the lord. You can project on a screen as big as 16 feet, which comes in handy for those old folks in the back of the church that are still trying to watch the game. Powered by a 200W UHP lamp, it will be like the image was projected by the blinding light of salvation. Comes with HDMI inputs so you can hook it right up to a hi-def box!

    Personally, I think it is about goddamn time you guys started showing the game during mass. I can't tell you how many Eagles games I missed as a kid when my parents made me go to church.

    Let me know if you are interested in this badass projector, or if you want to hear any more specs.

    Mike

    From Maria ******** to Me:

    The projector is not for football. We need to project our morning worship service to our silent room for people with infants.

    Are you donating this projector?

    From Me to Maria ********:

    No, this isn't exactly a donation. Who are you kidding, though? You guys don't even have tax exempt status. Why would anyone donate?

    Don't worry. I have come up with a plan that will have this projector in your church in no time. I am asking for $2500 for the projector. This should be very easy to pay off if you use the collection money for mass this Sunday. I have to imagine you guys pull in at least that much each service. When people find out you will be showing the games, I bet you will draw in an even larger audience, and more donations. This projector will practically pay for itself almost immediately.

    From all the money you will be raking in, I believe it can help turn your church into something awesome. I am also offering a 1000 watt surround sound system that you can install in the church. Every play will be heard in deafening sound as if it was told from the lord. Your churchgoers will feel like they are actually at the game!

    If that isn't enough, you can use the new found collection money to replace all of your benches with leather recliners. The possibilities are endless. We can even install some kegs at the front of the church.

    Thou shall not pass up on this HD projector and sound system!

    Mike

    From Maria ******** to Me:

    Shame on you for expecting me to abuse the church collections. Mass is a time to celebrate the divine sacrifice, not football. The thought of abusing the collections for such a purpose is disgusting and downright offensive. We will not be needing a projector from you, thank you.

    From Me to Maria ********:

    I wouldn't consider it "abusing" the collections. I would consider it a small investment to boost donations in the long run. You will get a $#@!load more donations if people knew it was going for a good cause, like a HD projector and recliners for the games on Sunday. I would much rather donate for that instead of having my donation money used in an out-of-court settlement for a child molestation lawsuit.

    From Maria ******** to Me:

    How dare you! You've got some nerve. This conversation is over.

  10. #10
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    one of the first people I chose to follow
    http://twitter.com/#!/27bslash6

  11. #11
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    Click here to enlarge Originally Posted by dOpEdUpM3 Click here to enlarge
    This quote is hidden because you are ignoring this member. Show Quote
    From all the money you will be raking in, I believe it can help turn your church into something awesome. I am also offering a 1000 watt surround sound system that you can install in the church. Every play will be heard in deafening sound as if it was told from the lord. Your churchgoers will feel like they are actually at the game!

    If that isn't enough, you can use the new found collection money to replace all of your benches with leather recliners. The possibilities are endless. We can even install some kegs at the front of the church.
    This is a church I would attend on a regular basis, especially during football season.

  12. #12
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    Click here to enlarge Originally Posted by e92 Click here to enlarge
    This quote is hidden because you are ignoring this member. Show Quote
    one of the first people I chose to follow
    http://twitter.com/#!/27bslash6
    I follow him as well, good choice.

    I think I'm going to start using my personal account more.

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