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Thread: Joke Thread

  1. #51
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    In surgery for a heart attack, a middle- aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. "Will I die?" she asks.
    God says, "No. You have 30 more years to live."
    With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. So since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great!
    The day she’s discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed.
    Up in heaven, she sees God. "You said I had 30 more years to live," she complains. "That’s true," says God.
    "So what happened?"
    God shrugs. "I didn’t recognize you."

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  2. #52
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    A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads "Talking Dog for Sale." Intrigued, he walks in.
    "So what have you done with your life?" he asks the dog.
    "I’ve led a very full life," says the dog. "I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home."
    The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, "Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?"
    The owner says, "Because he's a liar"

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  3. #53
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    A young girl goes up to her Daddy and says, "Daddy can I borrow the truck?"

    Daddy says, " You wanna borrow the truck you gotta suck my cock."

    "Eeeyuuu, Daddy!!!" she says.

    "No suck, no truck", Daddy says.

    "Oh ok....." and she gets on her knees and starts sucking Daddy's cock.

    " Eeyuuuuu Daddy your cock tastes like $#@!!!!!"

    "Oh I forgot, your brother's got the truck"

  4. #54
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    A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
    He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
    While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
    To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

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  5. #55
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    A man sat down at a bar and told the bartender, "I bet you three hundred dollars that I can piss into the cup all the way over there on the other side of the bar and not miss a single drop."
    The bartender said, "There is no way you can do that. Sure, I'll bet you three hundred dollars."
    The man then begins to undo his pants and begins pissing. He starts pissing all over the bar, spraying on the bottles and the bartender, not making a single drop in the cup.
    The bartender starts smiling and laughing and says, "That's it, you owe me three hundred dollars."
    The man then gets up and walks over to the pool table and starts laughing and shaking hands with the men standing there. He walks back to bar, sits down and starts laughing at the bartender and hands him the money.
    The bartender asks, "Why are you laughing? You just lost the bet."
    The man said, "I'm laughing because I bet those guys over there one thousand dollars that I could piss all over you and your bar and you would still be laughing when I was done."

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  6. #56
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    A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. He thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

    “Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?” she asked. “They’re mating,” her father replied. “What do you call the spider on top?” she asked. “That’s a Daddy Longlegs,” her father answered. “So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?” the little girl asked. As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question, he replied “No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.

    The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat and said, “Well, we’re not having any of that $#@! $#@! in our garden.”

  7. #57
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    A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

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  8. #58
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    ^ LOL, E92 you are on a roll.

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  9. #59
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    One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

    When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

    A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

    Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ASS!"

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  10. #60
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    Two gay guys are walking on the beach and they find a Lamp.. rub it and out flys a Genie.. he is just about to go into his schpeel about giving 3 wishes when he stops and goes

    Wait.. are you two guys gay together??

    After they reply yes, the genie says,

    Ok.. Well, ill make a deal... ill give each of you, one wish and one wish only.

    They both talk it over and accept the deal and the first guy immediatley uses his wish..

    he says, Id love to have a 100 room gay-sex mansion..

    Poof..they arrive in a 100 room gay sex mansion.. they are doing it in every room, all night long.. exausted.. they both fall asleep..

    The next thing they know.. their front door is kicked down and a bunch of KKK members find them naked in their rooms...

    Confused, One asks the other why all the men are here, and what the rope is about...

    The other guy says, well... My wish was that we both be hung like black men.

  11. #61
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    Man walking through the woods at night with a little boy.
    BOY: "These woods sure are scary!"
    MAN: "Dunno what you're complaining about-I have to walk home alone..."

  12. #62
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    How do you turn fruits into vegetables?

    AIDS

  13. #63
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    A guy asks the bartender for the special, a tequila sunrise surprise, the guy ends up drinking like 15 of them, stumbles out of the bar and leaves. A few days later, the guy shows up in the bar again, the bartender says hey how about a tequila sunrise surprise. The guy says no way man, I left here, I barely made it home. I walked in and started blowing chunks, I blew chunks 5 or 6 times that night. The bartender said well you did have 15 drinks, that would make most people puke. The guy said NO you don?t understand chunks is my dog.

  14. #64
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    Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?

    Bit of both, this is a rape.

  15. #65
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    An elderly man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.
    The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?" The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!" "That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?" "Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the doctor proudly. The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?" "No problem," replies the doctor.
    So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right... but I'll stick with my moped!"
    Just then the light changes so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!

    He slows down to see what it could be. And suddenly... WHOOOOSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster!

    "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the doctor asks himself.

    He presses harder on the accelerator, and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, He sees that it's the old man on the moped! Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 275mph and he's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!

    Astounded by the speed of this old guy, He floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again!
    The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!

    Suddenly, the moped ploughs into the back of his Ferrari, well and truly demolishing the rear end. The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive.

    He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, "I'm a doctor... is there anything I can do for you?" The old man whispers, "Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror!"

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    Last night I found a young homeless girl hidden amognst the bins. She was dirty and smelled terrible, but I knew under that grime was a pretty girl. I took her in and bathed her, as I toweled her down I became aroused. One thing led to another and before I knew it I was frantically $#@!ing her on the bathroom floor.... at one point I was banging her so hard that you'd think she was still alive.

  17. #67
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    Two homeless men are standing around bragging about their day. The First hobo says "Today i found $20, and was able to buy a nice hot meal. It was my luckiest day ever!".

    to which the second hobo replies: "oh yeah, my day was way better! I was at the train yard, and found a woman tied to the train tracks. After I untied her, we $#@!ed all day"

    "Did you get a blow job?"

    "Naw, I couldnt find her head"

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    Man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm. His wife is lying in bed reading. Man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache." Wife replies, "I think you'll find that is a sheep." Man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

  19. #69
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    A salesman was travelling through the country side, selling insect repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer. "Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again. I guarantee it."

    The farmer was dubious. "Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie you out in my pasture buck naked, covered with that bug spray. If there is not a single bite on you come morning, I'll buy a whole case from you. And get everyone in the county to buy a case... we will make you rich.

    The salesman was delighted. They went to the field and he stripped. The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a tree. Back to the house went the farmer. The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the cornfield.

    Sure enough, the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him. Yet he was a total wreck! Pale, ghastly, haggard, and drawn, but not one bite on him. The farmer was perplexed. "Son," he said, "Now, you don't have a bite on you but you look like hell! What the devil happened?" The salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked, "Doesn't that calf have a mother?"

  20. #70
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    A salesman was travelling through the country side, selling insect repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer. "Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again. I guarantee it."

    The farmer was dubious. "Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie you out in my pasture buck naked, covered with that bug spray. If there is not a single bite on you come morning, I'll buy a whole case from you. And get everyone in the county to buy a case... we will make you rich.

    The salesman was delighted. They went to the field and he stripped. The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a tree. Back to the house went the farmer. The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the cornfield.

    Sure enough, the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him. Yet he was a total wreck! Pale, ghastly, haggard, and drawn, but not one bite on him. The farmer was perplexed. "Son," he said, "Now, you don't have a bite on you but you look like hell! What the devil happened?" The salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked, "Doesn't that calf have a mother?"

  21. #71
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    What do spinach and anal sex have in common?

    If you were forced to have it as a kid, you'll hate it as an adult.

  22. #72
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    I locked my keys in my car outside of an abortion clinic the other night.
    It turns out they get really pissed when you go in and ask them for a coat hanger.

  23. #73
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    Lady in labor, shouting the usual $#@!, "Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!" She turns to her boyfriend and says, "You did this to me, you $#@!er!"
    He casually replies, "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your ass, but you said, '$#@! off it'll be too painful.'"

  24. #74
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    Why are there over 300,000 cases of spousal abuse in the USA every year?

    Because women won't $#@!ing listen.

  25. #75
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    My last girlfriend called me a pedophile. Pretty big word for a 12-year-old.

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