Thread: Joke Thread
02-11-2013, 12:25 PM #401
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale "He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks. "Yep" the Lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I joined the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping".
"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running... but the jetting around really tired me out and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals".
"I got married, had a mess of puppies and now I'm just retired".
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars" the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the yard!"
02-11-2013, 07:26 PM #402
^ Hahaha pretty funny.
02-16-2013, 08:55 PM #403
Q: What is the difference between jam and jelly?
A: I can't jelly my dick up your ass.
02-18-2013, 01:41 AM #404
A judge working a double-homicide case tells the defendant, “You’re charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.”
“You bastard!” yells a voice from the back of the courtroom.
“You’re also charged with killing your mother-in-law with a hammer,” says the judge.
“Bastard!” the same person yells.
The judge addresses the man sitting in the back of the courtroom.“Sir, one more outburst and I’ll charge you with contempt.”
“I’m sorry, Your Honor,” says the man. “But I’ve been this bastard’s neighbor for 10 years, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn’t have one.”Burger Motorsports
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02-18-2013, 01:52 AM #405
02-18-2013, 03:11 AM #406
3 men get stranded on a desert island. After wandering around a while, they are found by some tribesmen. The natives take them back to their hut. The chief tells them, "Go out into the jungle and collect 10 pieces of fruit."
The first guy returns with 10 apples, and the chief says "Now shove them all up your ass without showing any emotion, or we'll kill you."
He shoves the the first up, and is in terrible pain, but shows no emotion, but during the process of pushing up the second, he flinches, and therefore gets shot.
The second guy comes back with 10 cherries, and gets told to do the same.
He's finding it relatively easy, but when he gets to the eighth, starts laughing hysterically, and gets shot.
He meets up with the first guy in heaven, and the first guy asks, "Why did you do that, why did you laugh?" and the second guy replies,
"Well I nearly finished when I saw the next guy walking up with pineapples!"Instagram: Sammy0559
Got one more tow with AAA lets make it count
02-18-2013, 03:42 AM #407Member
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Q: Why do doctors spank babies when they are born?
A: To knock the dicks off the stupid ones
02-18-2013, 04:00 AM #408
02-18-2013, 12:58 PM #409Member
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02-19-2013, 12:47 PM #410
01-30-2014, 10:05 AM #411
01-30-2014, 11:09 AM #412
Three guys are arrested in an adult book store and appear before the judge. He asks the first guy to stand:
"What is your name?" he asked. "John" the guy answered. "And why were you arrested?" the judge asked. "I was by the magazine rack holding a big fat cigar and blowing smoke" he answered. The judge didn't see anything wrong with that, so he dismissed the guy and called up the next one.
"What's your name?" he asked. "John" the guy answered. "Why were you arrested?" the Judge asked. "I was by the magazine rack holding a big fat cigar and blowing smoke" he answered. Again, the judge saw nothing offensive. 'This so-called adult store is beginning to sound more like a smoking club!' he thought. So he dismissed the charge and called up the next guy.
"What's your name?? No wait... let me guess... John?" he said. "No" said the guy "My name is Smoke".
03-07-2014, 12:16 AM #413
03-07-2014, 12:16 AM #414
04-04-2014, 11:43 AM #415
Lady: Do you drink?
Lady: How much a day?
Man: Three 6 packs
Lady: How much per 6 pack
Man: about $10.00
Lady: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: 15 years
Lady: So 1 6 pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?
Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?
Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't drank, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink?
Man: Where's your $#@!ing Ferrari then?There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works
04-04-2014, 11:44 AM #416
A woman went to her doctor for advice.
She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.
"Do you enjoy it?" The doctor asked.
"Actually, yes, I do."
"Does it hurt you?" he asked.
"No. I rather like it."
"Well, then," the doctor continued, "there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant."
The woman was mystified.
"What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?"
"Of course," the doctor replied, "Where do you think politicians come from?"There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works
04-04-2014, 11:47 AM #417
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works
04-04-2014, 11:51 AM #418
I was telling a girl in the pub about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born just by feeling their breasts.
"Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try."
After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.
"Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?"
"Yesterday?" I replied.There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works
04-14-2014, 02:31 AM #419There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works
04-14-2014, 02:37 AM #420
08-01-2014, 08:58 AM #421
08-04-2014, 10:14 AM #422
So there was this professional assassin who charged $1000 a bullet...
A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $1000 a bullet?"
"What if you miss?"
He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..."
"Okay, we'll I've got $2000 here. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel together right now."
"Let's go," the assassin says.
So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope.
"They're in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his dick off."
The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot.
"Well? What are you waiting for!?" the husband asks.
"Hold on two more minutes. I think I can save you $1000."
08-04-2014, 07:22 PM #423
Dirty Johnny is delivering newspapers. He knocks on a door, a lady answers and he says "Collecting... that'll be five dollars". She says "I'm a little short on cash but if you want I'll give you sex instead...?" Johnny says "All right". He walks in, she undoes his pants, pulls them down, and there's the biggest dick she's ever seen. Johnny reaches into his shirt pocket, pulls out a handful of huge washers, and starts sliding them onto his dick. She says "You don't have to do that... I can take all of it". He says "Not for five bucks you can't!"
01-06-2017, 10:24 AM #424
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing anoxygen mask over his mouth.
A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse"he mumbles from behind the mask "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed,the young nurse replies "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet".
He struggles to ask again "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says "There's nothing wrong with them,Sir. They look magnificent".
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:"Are - My - Test - Results - Back?"
01-06-2017, 10:48 AM #425