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Thread: Joke Thread

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    Joke Thread

    A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when
    they came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the
    following symbols in order of appearance.
    1. A dog
    2. A donkey
    3. A shovel
    4. A fish
    5. A Star of David
    They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at
    least more than three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece
    of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from
    all over the world came to study the ancient symbols.
    They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what
    they could agree was the meaning of the markings. The President of
    their Society stood up, pointed at the first drawing and said, "This
    looks like a dog. We can judge that this was a highly intelligent race
    as they knew how to have animals for companionship. To prove this
    statement you, can see that the next symbol resembles a donkey, so,
    they were even smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.
    The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they
    even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high
    intelligence is the fish, which means that they had a famine that hit
    the earth whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for
    food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they
    were evidently Hebrews."
    The audience applauded enthusiastically, the President smiled and
    said, "I'm glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our
    interpretations."
    Suddenly a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and
    said, "I object to every word. The explanation of what the writings
    say is quite simple. First of all, everyone knows that Hebrews don't
    read from left to right, but from right to left... Now, look
    again..... It now says:
    "HOLY MACKEREL, DIG THE ASS ON THAT $#@!!"

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    At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.
    The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.
    They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?"
    All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt
    and pants and made mad passionate love to the man rig ht there in the boat .
    When they finished, the man couldn't believe
    what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.
    They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river.
    He again asked the lady, "Up or down ?"
    There she went again, stripped off her clothes,
    and made wild passionate love to him again.
    This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so
    he asked her to go fishing again the next day.
    She said yes and there they were the next day,
    riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or down ?"
    The woman replied, "Down."
    A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman
    guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, "Up or down ?"
    She replied, "Up."
    This really confused the gentleman so he asked,
    "What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked
    you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad
    passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"

    She replied, "Damn! yesterday I wasn't wearing
    my hearing aid and I thought the choices were
    $#@! or drown!"

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    The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by thereception committee, and after a whirlwind tour is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available.He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, and spends the next eon or so learning the languages. After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pore over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script.
    All of a sudden there is a scream in the library.
    The angels come running to him, only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, crying to himself, and muttering, "An 'R'! They left out the 'R'."
    God takes him aside, offering comfort and asks him what the problem is. After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R' ... the word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"

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    A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a
    favor?"
    "Of course. What may I do for you?"
    "Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limit, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it
    through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
    "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
    "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
    When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have
    anything to declare?"
    "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
    The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, "And what do you have to declare from your
    waist to the floor?"
    "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
    Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"

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    A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl stopped beside him on her shiny new bike.
    Nice bike," the cop said, "Did Santa bring it to you?" "Yep," the little girl said, "He sure did!"
    The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $20 ticket for a safety violation, saying, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."
    The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?" "Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.
    The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top.

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    A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered
    a glass of champagne.

    The woman perked up and said, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass
    of champagne, too!'

    'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me.
    I am celebrating.'

    'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman

    ''What a coincidence!' said the farmer.

    As they clinked glasses he added, 'What are you celebrating?'

    'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my
    gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

    'What a coincidence!' said the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for
    years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying
    fertilized eggs.'

    'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

    'I used a different cock,' he replied.

    The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, 'What a coincidence'.

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    A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her
    tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a
    gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red
    tomatoes.


    The woman asked the gentlemen,
    "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"
    The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato
    garden naked in my trench coat and flash them.
    My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."



    Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden
    to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.

    One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way,
    how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"
    No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

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    A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state.

    The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

    The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Ted Kennedy is a fat, good-for-nothing, left wing liberal drunk who doesn't know how to drive.

    So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!

    He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!"

    "And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."

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    A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding
    through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in
    the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward
    the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a
    small stand, selling ties..

    The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"



    The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like
    to buy a tie? They are only $5."


    The Taliban shouted,


    "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced f****ing tie. I need
    water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!



    "OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that
    you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I
    will
    show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over
    that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a
    lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you
    need. Shalom."


    Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.


    Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead &
    said......."Your brother won't let me in without a tie!"

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    A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,
    his elbow goes into her breast.
    They are both quite startled.
    The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as
    soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.'
    She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'

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    One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing
    his wife's arm.
    The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey,
    I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh..'
    The husband, rejected, turns over.
    A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
    'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'

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    Bill worked in a pickle factory.
    He had been employed there for a number of years when
    he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
    He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

    His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist
    to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed.
    He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
    One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife
    could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
    'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
    'Do you remember that I told you how I had this
    tremendous urge to put my penis into the 20 pickle slicer?'
    'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.
    'Yes, I did.' he replied.

    'My God, Bill, what happened?'
    'I got fired.'
    'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'
    'Oh...she got fired too.

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    I have been with a loose girl'.

    The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'

    'Yes, Father, it is.'

    'And who was the girl you were with?'

    'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

    "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later
    So you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

    'I cannot say.'

    'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

    'I'll never tell.'

    'Was it Nina Capelli?'

    'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

    'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

    'My lips are sealed'

    'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

    'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

    The priest sighs in frustration...
    'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.
    But you've sinned and have to atone.
    You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
    Now you go and behave yourself.'

    Joey walks back to his pew,
    And his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
    'What'd you get?'

    'Four months vacation and five good leads.'

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    nice jokes sticky, are all these up in your head or did you visit a site and find some good ones? anyway this is one my mom told me a while back and has stuck with me as a good one:

    An elderly Jewish man goes to the doctor.
    Doctor says "I'm sorry sir, I have some bad news."
    The man starts to say "Whaa bad news? Oh god... what could it be?"
    The doctor continues, "There's no easy way to say this, you have Cancer."
    The man loudly expresses, "Cancer.. uy vey... God why have you done this..." The man then puts his hands on his head saying the usual snippets of Yiddish.
    The doctor sighs to say, "Sir I have some more bad news, you also have Alzheimer's Disease."
    The man shakes his head in disbelief to say, "Wha Alzheimer's you say? Well.. at least its not Cancer huh?"
    Click here to enlarge
    2007 335i Coupe
    Mods: Check the Garage

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    Click here to enlarge Originally Posted by oddjob2021 Click here to enlarge
    nice jokes sticky, are all these up in your head or did you visit a site and find some good ones? anyway this is one my mom told me a while back and has stuck with me as a good one:
    Those were all new ones I found.

    I don't know too many off the top of my head, I like this one this one though:

    A plane is flying over the continental US carrying a large load of passengers going to Hawaii for vacation. Suddenly, there is a loud explosion and the pilot comes on the loudspeaker saying the engines went out and the plane is likely going down.

    A large panic ensues when suddenly a young woman stands up and screams and everyone gets quiet. She starts yelling, "I can't die, no no, not yet. I can't die before becoming a woman! Oh, is there any man, any man here, who can make me feel like a woman before I die?" It gets very quiet, and suddenly a strong, tall young man stands up and starts making his way toward her. He unbuttons his shirt as he walks toward her and the young woman blushes, liking what she sees. As he gets close she has a sly smile on her face and he takes his shirt off and hands it to her, saying, "Iron this."

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    A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest, Father, it
    has been one month since my last confession. I've had sex with Fannie
    Green every week for the last month.'

    The priest tells the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three
    Hail Maries.'

    Soon, another man enters the confessional. 'Father, it has been two
    months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a
    week for the last two months.' This time the priest asks, 'Who is this Fannie Green?'

    'A new woman in the neighbourhood,' the sinner replies.

    'Very well,' says the priest. 'Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'

    The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his
    sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the
    altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green
    shoes.
    The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs
    slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.

    The priest turns to the altar boy and whispering quietly asks, is that
    Fannie Green?'

    The altar boy replies, 'No Father, I think it's just the reflection
    off her shoes'.

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    Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.

    The older of the mothers pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. And they start reminiscing.

    'This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would be 24 years old now.'

    'Yes, I remember him as a baby' says the other mother cheerfully.

    'He's a martyr now though' mum confides.

    'Oh, so sad dear' says the other.

    'And this is my second son Kalid. He would be 21'

    'Oh, I remember him,' says the other happily, 'he had such curly hair when he was born.'

    'He's a martyr too' says mum quietly.

    'Oh, gracious me ...' Says the other.

    'And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would be 18, she whispers.'

    'Yes' says the friend enthusiastically, 'I remember when he first started school'

    'He's a martyr also,' says mum, with tears in her eyes.

    After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says...

    'They blow up so fast, don't they?'

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    80,000 blondes meet in the Kansas City Chiefs Stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention.
    The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?" A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!"
    Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!" The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world-wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance." So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"

    After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"

    The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened, the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"

    The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?"

    The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"

    Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream...

    "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"

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    lmao at the "iron this" - hahaha, too many jokes to read all at once.

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    Sir Peters New Car - an audio joke
    Attached Files Attached Files

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    As a rule, I don't usually pass along these "add your name" lists that

    appear in emails, BUT this one is important. It has been circulating for

    months and has been sent to more than 20 million people. We don't

    want to lose any names on the list so just hit forward and send it on.


    Please keep it going!


    To show your support for President Obama, please scroll to the very
    end of the list, and add your name.







    1. Michelle Obama

    2.

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    A Scotsman moves to Canada and attends his first baseball game. The
    first batter approaches the batters' box, takes a few swings and then hits
    a double. Everyone is on their feet screaming "Run!!!" The next batter
    hits a single. The Scotsman listens as the crowd again cheers "RUN!!
    RUN!!". The Scotsman is enjoying the game and begins screaming with the
    fans. The fifth batter comes up and four balls go by. The Umpire calls:
    "Walk." The batter starts his slow trot to first base. The Scot stands
    up and screams, "Run ye lazy bastard rrrun!" The people around him begin
    laughing. Embarrassed, the Scot sits back down.

    A friendly fan notes the man's embarrassment, leans over and
    explains, "He can't run -- he has four balls."

    The Scot stands up and screams: "Walk with pride, Laddie!"

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    A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.

    Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there.. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.

    They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little '0ral sex' will do the trick & bring her out of the coma'

    The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

    After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.

    The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'

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    How bad is the economy?

    The economy is so bad that:


    . I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
    . African television stations are now showing 'Sponsor an American Child' commercials!
    . I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"
    . CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
    . B.P. laid off 25 Congressmen.
    . My ATM gave me an IOU!
    . A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.
    . I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife.
    . I bought a toaster oven and my free gift with purchase was a bank.
    . If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
    . McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
    . Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
    . Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
    . My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!
    . A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .
    . Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.
    . A picture is now only worth 200 words.
    . They renamed Wall Street "Wal-Mart Street ."
    . When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.
    . The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
    . Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 trillion disappear!
    And, finally...
    . I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck...

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